Feeling Overwhelmed

I was supposed to do a blog post on Weds for Bonnie’s Book Club. If you were anticipating that, I apologize. I’ve been a little overwhelmed.

I have been biting off more than I can chew lately, it’s a pretty constant problem in my life. I constantly want to go go go but I put so much on my plate, then my depression kicks in so I get NOTHING done. My anxiety then let’s me know what a worthless POS I am and we go round and round.

BUT some great things are slowly happening… the kids and I got some Halloween decorations up

We got some much needed yard work done, we chopped down 5 trees and sprayed the weeds, I might need to do that again.

I have lost 6lbs!! I know that is a seemingly minor victory BUT for me it’s pretty huge.

Homeschool is going… ok… ish… there are great days and days when the kids and I scream at each other. We finally got to the library (our local is closed for renovations). The closest one we can go to is 45min away… and it is in a temporary building. But it was great to get new books!

I have done SO MANY LOADS OF LAUNDRY this week. I gave clothes away, donated some can goods.

I have been working really hard to get my life in order, but I still have SO MUCH TO DO.

That’s where I am this Friday night. I hope you all have a fantastic weekend!! Got any definite plans? We have 90% chance of rain so we are staying in.

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Happy Thanksgiving

So its Thanksgiving today, well it was Thanksgiving today. Its 10pm and for me and my family, its over. I finally just got the baby down

Yes that really is the baby and myself in a really dark room. I wasn’t going to use the flash and risk waking him up!

He’s been difficult these last few weeks.

I don’t really take many pics on Thanksgiving because I’m usually recovering from working LONG overnights or getting ready to go to work because, retail.

*insert Hunger Games Whistle* recognition to those who work retail

This is my first year in 6 years where Thanksgiving was actually a holiday, so it was a new experience for me.

My big kids are always with their dad on Thanksgiving and normally this doesn’t bother me at all… I’m at work. But this year was different and it made me sad. I miss them, even in less than a day.

But the day continued as any holiday, big family get together, lots of food, good cheer, laughter and a huge amount of stress for the chick who suffers from social anxiety, lol.

Having kids is kind of a buffer for me. When people are around my big kids, they just want to compliment them and talk about them and that is FINE with me. Without them, the topic of what the baby has going on ends quickly. He has 2 teeth, taking steps and yes we vaccinate. End.

And then I’m left with a pit in my stomach and an awkward face that makes people think I’m sick, haha.

But I survived and now I have 3 days with my husband in my old stomping grounds so we are going to see what fun we can come up with!

Happy Thanksgiving to all and now we are officially in CHRISTMAS TIME!!!

I am guilty

I have mentioned before that I was married before. It didn’t end well, in fact most of the marriage wasn’t great. We were 2 kids who got married “to do the right thing” and we failed.

I left.

When I left I started a whole new life, new email address, social media accounts, the works.

I was single for 3 years after I left, I was damaged and broken and then I met this wonderful man who was and is ok with my faults and fears. He strives to help me heal and we have a great life together; storybook great.

I’ve been going through my old Facebook account because Matt likes to look at pictures of the kids as babies and compare them to Tobias.

I have mixed feelings about looking through the past because there are terrible memories like this

(There’s a story there)

And though painful, I’m actually ok with those because it confirms why we aren’t together.

But there also moments like these

Look how young we were! Full of hopes and dreams.

There were happy moments and bring joy to me remembering them

But is that ok?

I wouldn’t give up what I have right now for anything, but does that mean I have to hate my life before?

I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place in my situation. On one hand I have this amazing husband and I don’t ever want him to think I have any regrets. On the other, I now have knowledge and maturity and when I think of my past I remember the moments I wish I would have used them.

My ex and I have a touchy relationship, pain and anger harvested on both sides. We do our best for our kids.

But could it be better?

Does it need to be better?

Help

On my way home from Walmart there was a person on the side of the road with a sign that said something about being hungry. On the grass behind him were two kids sitting. The family was not the stereo typical “homeless” that you see with the carts full of what we would classify as junk. They were not dirty and they were dressed appropriately for the weather. The sign they were holding said nothing about money, or even that they were homeless; just said they were hungry.

As we passed my children inquired why they were on the side of the road and what the sign he was holding said. I explained to them that they did not have any food and that they were asking for some. Immediately my children were up in arms and yelling at me to stop the car and give them food. I kept driving, we live about 5 minutes from Walmart, and took them home.

I need to set the scene. The four of us went to Walmart because Matt and I had decided to get serious about working out at home and we needed weights for the bar I have in the garage. On the way we also decided that there was food we needed at home. So we went to Walmart and spent way too much time and money on things that we mostly needed….

I decided that it was pretty late so we hit McDonald’s for dinner (I feel the groan from anyone who has read my weight loss blogs). We got the kids happy meals and we got ourselves a 20 piece chicken nugget box to split. With all of this in the car, including the fast food, we passed this supposed family of need.

There was straight guilt in my heart as I drove past them and my guilt was made worse by my children who told me they needed the food more than we do.

After we got home and got the kids situated with dinner I started to collect food to take back to the family. I collected a Walmart bag of food and got the little bit of cash I had on me and put it all in the bag. I drove back to the corner they were on and dropped it off. The man, I assumed was the children’s father, was extremely grateful. He told me God Bless and I walked away. Our only interaction, but that moment touched me harder than anything else going on in my life right now.

Now some of you may shaking your head at my action saying that I should not have done what I did. I don’t even know if they really are in need, they just may want hand-outs. I am encouraging their actions and if you give a man a fish nonsense. This is nonsense that I have spouted before and I believed it. But in that moment that we drove past the family, I made contact with the grown man asking for help from complete strangers while his children watched, I changed my tune. I put myself in his place.

If I was struggling enough that my children would not have enough food I would do anything, including standing on the side of the road begging. There is a possibility of being subjected to ridicule by complete strangers who think they know more about my life than me. I do not believe in my heart of hearts that they were lying about their situation.

This experience has made me realize that you really don’t know what someone is struggling with and instead of judging their actions, support them… or HELP.